morning noonan night

So I haven't posted in FOREVER.

I was busy making one of these:

Her name is Ola Mae and I found out she was on her way one year ago today.

We'd only been trying for two months, and I already knew that I was pregnant before I took the test. I could feel stuff going on in there. Weird cramps, pinches. Stuff that I had never experienced before.

I was standing in the most disgusting venue in all of Chicago, Ronny's, watching my friend's band, Blood Feathers, play and I felt it and I knew. Ola's first show. Over the next two weeks she attended her dad's show, Pavement, Bonnie "Prince" Billy, and on the day I found out I was pregnant she was on stage in my belly while I played with my band. I remember when we were loading our equipment on to the stage I asked my bandmate to lift my rig for me and he was all "Yeah, I kind of thought you shouldn't lift it." Because everybody thought I was pregs before I even was. Mama likes her beer and I hadn't had a drink since we started trying.

From the moment I looked at that stick with the two lines on it I was terrified. I wasn't scared of being a parent or pregnancy or even giving birth, just scared it would get erased somehow. So I didn't tell my family or most of my friends for fourteen weeks. I suck at keeping my own secrets. I really don't know how I did it.

I was too superstitious to document any of it then, so congratulations, Morningnoonannight, you're now a Mommy blog.